I can't say if the title is the best way to describe how I feel, but then again in most cases it's hard to really sum that up with something like a title. As of late though I haven't been focusing as much as i've been needing to. It doesn't help with how scatterbrained I can be and allowing things to escape my train of thought.
I kept making lists, only to never complete them as planned, or get sidetracked by something else....
It's also gotten to the point that i've felt too scared to approach projects or tasks, since i've failed so many already. I feel like what I make looks either poor in quality,or letting people down with how I couldn't deliver all that much.
There's so many insecurities im fighting with lately. While I recognize this for some reason its not all that easy for me to remedy. It's even taken me awhile to figure out if I should even be putting this in a journal or not, since I often like using these as a means of expressing more positive thoughts and views.
Then I guess it hit me, like most things why is there a reason not to be positive? all pain is temporary in a sense. With that in mind though the worst pain of all would be quitting on everything. Giving up and not knowing what an accomplished dream feels like. Whether it be a career,relationship,experiencing new things,etc. I don't think im old enough to say that I have any sort of wisdom on the matter, but what I can say is i've seen enough to know what quitting looks like. It's not a pretty sight...
Certainly it's not something i'd wish upon anyone, but there are many who are content with sitting around letting time pass. Sadly for a short period I felt like one of those people, and i'll admit that. However, I guess after letting a few days go by I looked around me and realized that I haven't really done much with myself.(at least like I have wanted to) I began to think about why I moved, who I wanted to be, and were I wanted to go from here. I guess in the process of taking on so much I forgot my own ambitions ironically.
I can say that sense of purpose is renewed thanks to a few really close people and a fair amount of close calls. I've been lucky to say the least... I wont call out any names but they know who they are and I thank them immensely.
I guess I wanted to write this out not just as some sort of update but a message that people can take something from, especially those who might have given up on what they want to pursue. I mean a pal of mine is in his early 40's is still pursuing his artistic dream... all after a rough period he had (that lasted a few years). Goes to show it's never too late to try and change who you are to better your own life. Hopefully, I can do this successfully as well.
Until then i'll do my best to catch up with affairs on here as much as I can from now on. I'm sorry for being so neglectful and leaving some things to rot...
Thank you to those have stuck around even after my fluctuating inactivity
it means the world